woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
