gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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