I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I need to stop coming to work sober
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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