This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Girls should come with a carfax report
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
