Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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