they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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