I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
