You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
