You smell like stripper and shame
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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