The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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