dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
