I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
