Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
