i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
