I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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