I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I checked into jail on foursquare
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
