We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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