Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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