We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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