I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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