I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Randomize
