They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
