its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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