i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
