I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
