im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Randomize
