Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
