If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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