my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
