Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
