I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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