OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
