he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
