I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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