Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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