I faked an abortion last night.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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