even my farts smell like vagina
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Did I show you my penis last night?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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