A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
