your thong is hanging out like whoa
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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