Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
