Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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