I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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