So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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