Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
