I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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