I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
