I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
