I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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