a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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