Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
