I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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