I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
