Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
