proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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