he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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