somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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