So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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