he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
